The Unwritten Rules of Being a Person
by Emily Borg
Nobody tells you there are rules to being a person.
You just get punished when you break them.
Look people in the eyes.
Not too much.
Talk to people.
Not too much.
Be independent.
But don't be afraid to ask for help.
Know what you want to do with your life.
But don't rush growing up.
Be confident.
But don't think you're better than everyone else.
Be yourself.
But maybe make yourself a little easier for everyone else to deal with.
We're given these instructions so casually that we rarely stop to question them.
We just call them normal.
I used to think everyone else had received some secret handbook that I had somehow missed.
Everyone seemed to know when to talk, what to say, how to act, how to make friends, how to handle work, how to deal with change and how to look completely fine while doing all of it.
I didn't.
As someone with autism and ADHD, I've spent a lot of my life trying to work out the rules.
Sometimes I learnt them.
Sometimes I memorised them.
Sometimes I broke them without even realising they existed.
And sometimes I became so good at appearing like I understood them that people couldn't see how much effort it took.
That's the part nobody talks about.
You can become incredibly good at looking okay.
You can smile when you're overwhelmed.
You can say "I'm fine" when you aren't.
You can force yourself through a conversation when your brain is begging for silence.
You can keep working when you're exhausted.
You can adapt and adapt and adapt until everyone around you thinks you're resilient.
But there is a question I think we should ask more often:
Resilient for whom?
Because sometimes we use the word resilience when what we actually mean is, "This person has become very good at tolerating things they shouldn't have had to tolerate."
Young people are constantly told to be resilient.
Be resilient when school is overwhelming.
Be resilient when you don't know what you're doing with your life.
Be resilient when you can't find work.
Be resilient when friendships disappear.
Be resilient when your mental health gets worse.
Be resilient when the world feels like it was designed for everyone except you.
And if you struggle?
Try harder.
Be stronger.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Push through it.
I think we've misunderstood resilience.
Resilience shouldn't mean becoming impossible to hurt.
It shouldn't mean learning to suffer quietly enough that nobody has to change anything.
Sometimes resilience is saying, "Actually, this isn't working."
Sometimes it's asking for help.
Sometimes it's walking away.
Sometimes it's admitting you don't understand.
Sometimes it's trying again.
And sometimes resilience is refusing to hate yourself for needing the world to work a little differently.
I've started questioning the rules.
Why is eye contact treated as proof that someone is listening?
Why is being busy treated as proof that someone is successful?
Why do we expect teenagers to choose careers that will shape decades of their lives when some adults still don't know what they want?
Why is independence measured by how little help you need?
Why do we call young people lazy when they are exhausted?
Why do we call them dramatic when they are overwhelmed?
Why do we tell people to be themselves, and then become uncomfortable when they actually do?
Maybe the problem isn't always the person who can't fit the mould.
Maybe sometimes the mould is too small.
That doesn't mean there shouldn't be expectations. Living with other people means learning how to respect them. We need boundaries. We need responsibility. We need to care about how our actions affect others.
But there is a difference between learning how to live together and demanding that everyone behaves the same way.
Difference isn't failure.
Needing help isn't failure.
Changing your mind isn't failure.
Taking longer isn't failure.
Not knowing yet isn't failure.
And struggling doesn't make you less resilient.
Maybe growing up isn't about finally becoming the person everyone expected you to be.
Maybe it's about figuring out who you actually are underneath all the expectations.
Maybe the goal isn't to become better at following the unwritten rules.
Maybe it's to start asking who wrote them.
And whether we still need them.
Because there is no secret handbook.
There never was.
We're all just making it up as we go.
Some of us are simply more honest about it.
This Open Mic submission was sent to us by Emily Borg, who is 20 years old, and lives in Sydney, NSW.
With her submission, Emily wrote; This piece explores the unwritten expectations placed on young people regarding what it means to be “normal” independent resilient and successful. Drawing from my own experience as a young neurodivergent person I wanted to challenge the notion that resilience simply means tolerating unsuitable environments or expectations.
I hope it encourages readers to question assumptions about how people should behave communicate and navigate growing up.